These minutes from the worst governing body in the world mysteriously came into my possession and bear no resemblance to any governors’ meeting I have ever attended. If you would like to share them please remember to credit askaclerk.co.uk
1. Apologies
Two governors sent apologies to the chair, two to the head and two to the nice lady who runs the breakfast club. The meeting was (barely) quorate.
2. Declarations of Business Interests
A nervous new governor asked if he needed to declare £10 in premium bonds and the fact that he owns a bicycle. A less nervous governor was affronted at the clerk’s slanderous suggestion that he may wish to declare his ownership of a teaching supply agency.
Two governors filled in the form without signing it and two signed it without filling it in.
3. Minutes of the Last Meeting
The Headteacher conveyed his disappointment that the clerk minuted the phrase “We have decided to hire two NQTs” when he obviously meant “We have decided not to hire two NQTs”, contrary to the actual words that came out of his mouth. The clerk apologised for the error.
4. Matters Arising
All action points are incomplete.
6. Terms of Reference for Finance Committee
Terms of reference for the finance committee were approved after a 50-minute discussion on the meaning and derivation of the word “of”.
5. Approval of Budget 2020-21
The school business manager explained the 2020-21 budget. Harold asked why photocopying costs had risen 6% from last year and whether worksheets could be printed instead of photocopied. The business manager noted that would cost considerably more, not less.
Harold asked whether they could dilute the printing ink with water; the business manager gazed at him helplessly. Harold asked if worksheets could be written by hand to give teachers something to do in the summer holidays. The staff governor expressed himself freely.
The school business manager asked if governors had any questions about the three million pounds of spending that did not relate to photocopying. Jeremy questioned why the gas bill is so high and has the school tried changing the bulbs.
6. Report From Finance Committee
Committee minutes were read out in full, despite the clerk raising an eyebrow; there were no questions. The clerk elbowed Harold to stop the snoring.
7. Headteacher’s Report
The headteacher’s report was read out in full, despite the clerk raising both eyebrows; there were no questions. Derek cleared his throat and the clerk waited hopefully, but in vain.
8. SATs Results
The headteacher summarised the SATs results. Compared to last year’s cohort there was a 34% drop in reading, 45% drop in writing and a 50% drop in maths.
Jeremy stated that he did not have a head for figures and was more of a blue-sky thinking ideas guy, but he was sure the headteacher was actioning strong inter-departmental change going forward that would square all our ducks into a circle.
Mabel stated children’s desks should all face the front like they did when she was at school. The headteacher muttered darkly about the late 18th century.
8. Staffing Update
Governors discussed whether to hire a new office manager. The staff governor stated that he will vote in favour as so many staff members had told him to. The clerk explained that this was not how staff governors work. The staff governor voted in favour.
Governors discussed whether to make two teaching assistants redundant. The local authority governor stated that it was his duty to immediately inform the LA of this proposal as he is their “eyes and ears on the ground”.
The clerk explained that this was not how LA governors worked. The LA governor immediately informed the LA.
9. Policies
The lettings and safeguarding policies were discussed. Governors disagreed on the subject of whether to raise the hall hiring price from £10 an hour to £10.50 an hour and whether the current Brownie group should be allowed to continue using it, bearing in mind Brown Owl’s “inappropriately blue” hair.
They voted in favour of raising the price to £10.24 an hour with the cost to be reviewed monthly pending a full investigation into the hair. They also noted a spelling mistake on page five.
The safeguarding policy was approved unchanged.
10. Chair’s Power to Act
The chair reported that he had used “chair’s action” to establish a new committee that had met three times so far and coincidentally elected him as its chair. The clerk made a small unhappy noise.
11. Any Other Business
A parent governor asked why the canteen had stopped serving sausage rolls on Fridays as her Billy was devastated and it was her safeguarding duty to over-rule this cruel decision.
The clerk explained that was not how either safeguarding or parent governors worked.
12. Meeting Dates for the Year
Governors tried to decide on meeting dates for the year. Bill stated that the best time would be 7.34 on a Friday evening as this fits in with his bridge club. Jemima can do any day of the week except Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday and Derek would prefer a 5am start.
Governors postponed the decision to the next meeting. The clerk pointed out that the date of the next meeting had not been set yet. Governors postponed the decision to not the next meeting, but the meeting to be held after that. The clerk cried.